Well Action Psychotherapy

"Define unkind."

"Unkind" is different for each child, that's why parenting manuals are largely a waste of time. Parenting is an art, not something that can be written into a definition.

"Unkind" is what makes a child unhappy, what leaves them traumatised, scared, anxious, reluctant to explore the world, ambivalent about their care-givers.

"Unkind" is leaving bruises on a child, not just physically but emotionally too.

"Unkind" is when your child still doesn't trust you even after you've explained yourself to them ... or simply not bothering to explain yourself.

"Unkind" is neglect, failing to teach your child the basics of emotions, leaving your child believing that emotions are wrong, dark or even dangerous rather than teaching them how to manage their emotions.

"Unkind" is creating a family environment in which everything the child does feels like a risk so that they never understand what in the outside world is really dangerous and what isn't, and denying them the opportunity to manage risk.

"Unkind" is also coddling a child so they never experience risk or anxiety.

"Unkind" is creating such a rigid set of rules that a child can never make meaningful choices and is afraid of trying things out or being creative.

"Unkind" is not having any boundaries so that a child never learns they're part of a social whole within which they have to negotiate and compromise.

"Unkind" is telling a child that their passion, interest or hobby is wrong, a waste of time or a sign of weakness.

"Unkind" is telling a child that your passion is actually their passion so they never get to understand themselves and fulfil themselves.

"Unkind" is whatever f**ks a child up and there are a million ways of doing it, and twice as many ways of justifying to yourself that unkindness is good for them.

To avoid unkindness you have to watch your child, interact with them, observe how your actions impact them.

Shouting at one child may leave them completely unphased, whereas another might be so scared they soil themselves.

Notice what a child needs, how they respond, what their strengths and weaknesses are; teach them to play to their strengths and work on managing their weaknesses and buttressing their vulnerabilities.

To raise a well-adjusted adult is a labour of 18 years, and beyond. It's not just putting a roof over their head, dinner on the table and punishing them when they break your rules ... as you can see from watching gangs of street children in Nepal, children can do all that for themselves.

As an adult you need to be able to do more for your child than they can do for themselves.